Archive Version of
Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples
Online from 1995-2022

Demian and Steve Bryant originally founded Partners as a monthly newsletter in 1986. By late 1990 it was reformatted into a bi-monthly magazine. Print publication was halted by 1995 when Demian published Partners as a Web site, which greatly expanded readership.

In 1988, the Partners National Survey of Lesbian & Gay Couples report was published; the first major U.S. survey on same-sex couples in a decade.

In 1996, Demian produced The Right to Marry, a video documentary based on the dire need for equality that was made clear by the data from the survey mentioned above. The video featured interviews with Rev. Mel White, Evan Wolfson, Phyllis Burke, Richard Mohr, Kevin Cathcart, Faygele benMiriam, Benjamin Cable-McCarthy, Susan Reardon, Frances Fuchs, Tina Podlodowski, and Chelle Mileur.

Demian has been the sole operator during the last two decades of Partners.

Demian stopped work on Partners Task Force in order to realize his other time-consuming projects, which include publishing the book “Operating Manual for Same-Sex Couples: Navigating the rules, rites & rights” - which is now available on Amazon. The book is based on the Partners Survey mentioned above, his interviews of scores of couples, and 36 years of writing hundreds of articles about same-sex couples. It’s also been informed by his personal experience in a 20-year, same-sex relationship.

Demian’s other project is to publish his “Photo Stories by Demian” books based on his more than six decades as a photographer and writer.


Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples
Demian, director    206-935-1206    demian@buddybuddy.com    Seattle, WA    Founded 1986

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How to Resolve Conflicts
Guidelines
by Demian
© January 2003, Demian



Every couple experiences conflict. One thing that distinguishes a successful relationship is how well those conflicts are resolved. Agreeing to some ground rules can help ensure a fair and productive fight. Here are a few suggestions:
  • Commit to resolution. Stay with the conflict until it is resolved. It is easy to tell when resolution has been reached — you’ll feel closer and want to give your partner a hug.

  • Agree to absolutely no abuse. To create a setting of trust and safety, rule out physical, verbal, or psychological attacks. No hitting, no name calling, no threats or guilt-tripping. No exceptions.

  • Achieve equality in the conflict. If one of you is compliant just to end the argument, it usually won’t be resolved. Sometimes couples behave like parent and child when one gets angry. This imbalance makes resolution impossible.

  • Solve one problem at a time. Address one particular item. Avoid old arguments. Ill feelings brought up days, weeks, or months later could be experienced by your partner as stored weapons.

  • Ask for a change. Don’t just complain.

  • Let your partner speak her or his own mind. Don’t presume your partner’s feelings or likely reactions.

  • Ask for feedback and listen to it. Interrupters prove they are not listening.

  • Take short time-outs if the fight is especially intense or frightening. After breaking, always come back to the conflict.

  • Ask for reassurance, particularly when feeling insecure. It is O.K. to ask if you are still loved. Knowing one is loved provides safety for conflict resolution.

  • Assume you both are right. Conflict is not a matter of right and wrong. You are both on the same team.
Conflict reflects a relationship problem, not a character flaw. When you both own the problem, you can achieve a satisfying compromise. No one “wins.” Either both gain intimacy, or both lose it.

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