Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples
Demian, director   ||   206-935-1206   ||   demian@buddybuddy.com   ||   Seattle, WA

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Forget the Candlelight, Sweetheart
How to Find a Life-Partner
© 2003, Demian


Q: I’m looking for a lover, possibly a life-partner. All the good ones seem to be taken already. I’d like someone to be my dreamboat. Where do I start?

A: Be very pragmatic. Leaving such an important and vital part of your life to chance, or allowing romantic feelings to get in the way is a big mistake. Relationships take work and perseverance. Start with someone who will not make the job a nightmare.

First, make a list of all you want in a partner.

Be as specific as possible. Make a choice of person in every category: economic class, politics, religion, ducation, food likes, smokes?, drinks?, etc.

The quaint notion that opposites attract is total junk. Most long-term couples started with a lot in common. The main relationship glue is shared interests and beliefs.

Second, make a concentrated, scientific effort to find that person.

If you want a spiritual person, look for him or her at a gay/lesbian-friendly meditation group or church. (Warning: 95 percent of those attending gay churches are already in a relationship.) If you want a professional, go to your local “gay/lesbian business association luncheons.”

Searching where you live makes the most sense, unless you live in a rural area. While there are gay people in every location, a population density is necessary to get the critical mass for there to be a large enough pool of available candidates.

Internet searches cast too broad a net. Also, they do not provide the very important face-to-face experience. There is nothing more frustrating — and likely to be unfulfilling — then falling in love with someone who lives 5,000 miles away.

Third, do not — DO NOT — compromise on the ingredients you are looking for. It is only a matter of time before you find a very good fit for you. Don’t let loneliness lead you into a less-than-desirable union.

If your a potential partner does not fit your list, do not expect to get them to change. You will be frustrated, and they will be resentful.

The “good” ones are not all taken. Sometimes they have been made “good” by being part of an ongoing, mutually supportive relationship. You and your future partner will help each other become one of the good ones.


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