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Dear “Doctor” Laura
A Satire about a Not-So-Funny Prejudice
© January 4, 2011, Demian (updated August 12, 2014)

The fact is, prejudice is destructive. It takes jobs, children, and lives away. Some people, by way of their media or political dominance, use prejudice to gain adherents and make money. The “Open Letter” below is addressed to one such person.

Laura Schlessinger is not the only one to offer damaging viewpoints, but she is a person, whose character appears to be so deeply flawed, that the idea of demanding others keep to a ridged moral path seems some sort of sick joke.

About Laura Catherine Schlessinger

Schlessinger’s use of “Doctor” is misleading. Her doctorate is in physiology. She is neither a medical doctor, nor accredited in a discipline traditionally considered to have expertise in moral, societal, or spiritual matters (such as divinity, psychology, or sociology).

She has practiced as a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor for more than a decade. Her California Marriage Family and Child Counseling license has been inactive since around 2000.

Veteran Los Angeles radio broadcaster Bill Ballance, a man who was pivotal in getting Schlessinger her start in radio, claimed he had an affair with her while Laura Schlessinger was still in her first marriage to Michael F. Rudolph.

While Schlessinger has vociferously proclaimed her disapproval of unwed couples, personal friend, Shelly Herman, claimed that Schlessinger lived with her second husband, Lewis G. Bishop, for about nine years before they married. Herman says that Schlessinger told her she was pregnant at the time of their marriage.

The New York Post reported that Schlessinger had used her television show staff to falsely pose as on-air guests. A September 25, 2000, episode (“Readin’, Writin’, and Cheatin’”) featured a so-called college student who specialized in professional note-taking. On the next day’s show (“Getting to the Altar”), the same guest, appearing in different hair and makeup, said she was living with her boyfriend. In fact, the guest was San-D Duchas, a researcher for the show whose name appeared in the program’s closing credits.

Schlessinger has used her media prominence to display ignorance and hatred toward gay men and lesbians. That is the true abomination.

Here is a sample of her unsubstantiated, hate-drenched rhetoric:

“If you’re gay or lesbian, it’s a biological error that inhibits you from relating normally to the opposite sex.”
- On her daily radio show, December 8, 1998
Schlessinger apparently thinks nature makes errors. She thinks gay people are “errors.” This is dehumanizing speech.
“Although numerically, there are more pedophiles that are heterosexuals percentage-wise in a population, it's much greater in the homosexual community.”
Schlessinger lies about the percentage being greater. It is, in fact, less.
      [Please see: Gays are pedophiles? No. Here's the proof. by RfrancisR, on The Daily Kos, September 18, 2010.]
      [Also see: Facts About Homosexuality and Child Molestation, from the University of California, Davis, not dated, however, the most recent citation was for a 2006 event.]

It is clear she, like most of the radical right-wing, have not done any research to back their claims.

About the Letter

The following “Open Letter” has circulated on the Internet since May 2000 or earlier. It has been attributed to professor James M. Kauffman, who has denied authorship, or to a “J. Kent Ashcroft,” and various others. It is likely, determining true authorship is now impossible.

In any event, the writing is satirical, and meant to address all those who pick and choose which parts of the bible or tradition they think should be law, while ignoring all other parts.

Dear Dr. Laura
by Anonymous
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

  2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

  3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual “uncleanliness” (Lev.15: 19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

  4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

  5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

  6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?

  7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

  8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
    How should they die?

  9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

  10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

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