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Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples Online from 1995-2022 Demian and Steve Bryant originally founded Partners as a monthly newsletter in 1986. By late 1990 it was reformatted into a bi-monthly magazine. Print publication was halted by 1995 when Demian published Partners as a Web site, which greatly expanded readership. In 1988, the Partners National Survey of Lesbian & Gay Couples report was published; the first major U.S. survey on same-sex couples in a decade. In 1996, Demian produced The Right to Marry, a video documentary based on the dire need for equality that was made clear by the data from the survey mentioned above. The video featured interviews with Rev. Mel White, Evan Wolfson, Phyllis Burke, Richard Mohr, Kevin Cathcart, Faygele benMiriam, Benjamin Cable-McCarthy, Susan Reardon, Frances Fuchs, Tina Podlodowski, and Chelle Mileur. Demian has been the sole operator during the last two decades of Partners. Demian stopped work on Partners Task Force in order to realize his other time-consuming projects, which include publishing the book “Operating Manual for Same-Sex Couples: Navigating the rules, rites & rights” - which is now available on Amazon. The book is based on the Partners Survey mentioned above, his interviews of scores of couples, and 36 years of writing hundreds of articles about same-sex couples. It’s also been informed by his personal experience in a 20-year, same-sex relationship. Demian’s other project is to publish his “Photo Stories by Demian” books based on his more than six decades as a photographer and writer. |
Since Partners Task Force began in 1986, it was apparent that in explaining same-sex couples issues, we sometimes first needed to frame the discussion with clear, scientific information about lesbians and gay men. Because of the abundance of so many myths and prejudices in the United States, there is no room left to discuss issues of civil rights. There can be no discussion about fairness if the minority group in question is not considered to be human. The following article addresses the major misconceptions, and clarifies what is at stake regarding sexual orientation and equality.
It is hoped that this information can be recalled when you speak to your friends, relatives, or before the media, to remind them — and perhaps even yourself — of your humanity.
__ Homosexual __ This is a scientific term usually applied to the variety of emotional and possibly sexual activities that can take place between people of the same sex. Karl-Maria Kertbeny coined the word “homosexual” around 1868 in a private letter written to Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, and in 1869 in his anonymously published pamphlet advocating the repeal of Prussia’s sodomy laws. Historically, there have been many terms used to describe people who do not fit the average male/female paradigm. These terms include: sodomite, Saphhist, Uranian, homophile, LGBT (lesbian gay bisexual transgender), two-spirit (Native American term), third gender, and “same-sex attracted.” Negatively used words include: queer, fag, poof, and sodomite. __ Homosexual Orientation __ This term applies to someone who has a complex set of feelings toward another person of the same biological sex. These feelings and responses are social, psychological, spiritual, and emotional in nature. __ Gay __ Gay is a modern and more expansive substitution for the word “homosexual,” which describes more than just sexual orientation. The term gay indicates a broader spectrum that can include affection, companionship, support of, and love for, people of the same or both sexes. Gay is a self-definition with strong positive connotations and it implies community. To say you are gay can be a personally liberating and political act. In the past, gay was often taken to mean only male. These days, the lines have shifted, and it has been used more generically. The terminology has not been stationary. “Gay” first showed up in the 13th century as “gai” in Provencal, France. In the 19th century, “gay” was also commonly associated with female, heterosexual prostitution. Gay had been in use by homosexuals since the 1900s. By the 40s, the word was widely used to signify same-sex orientation. __ Lesbian __ Lesbian refers to homosexual women. The term has been around for much longer than “gay.” It was first used about 520 B.C. by the poet Anacreon in describing a “girl from Lesbos.” Generally, it is thought that “lesbian” was derived from the Isle of Lesbos, home of Sappho (cir. 615), creator of great, beautiful love poems to women. A more common ancient term for women who preferred the company of women was “tribade” from a root meaning, “to rub.” When discussing orientation issues, it is more inclusive to say “gay men and lesbians,” because, if the women are not specified, they could be ignored. __ Bisexual __ Bisexual is the term for someone who responds emotionally and sexually, to varying degrees, to both men and women. __ Heterosexual __ This term signifies those predominantly attracted to people of the opposite, biological sex. One slang term for heterosexual would be “straight,” and a negative term would be “breeder.” __ Biological Sex __ Sex is the term used to describe whether a person is a boy or a girl. But one cannot always tell by looking at a person’s body. There are other biological signs that define one’s sex, such as hormones and DNA, and they can be in contradiction to one another. To make things even more complicated, one-in-2,000 children are born with ambiguous genitalia. Because a person’s biological sex is a naturally-occurring, complex equation, it makes no sense to define legal exclusions based on it, such as forbidding access to certain professions, or the denial of legal marriage. __ Prejudice __ Prejudice is the result of inaccurate information and negative assumptions made about a group of people. It often entails directing hurtful and demeaning actions toward a minority group. The prejudice toward gay men and lesbians has varied by culture and time period. In some places, gay people were an integral part of society. In others, they were tortured and killed. The modern pressures against lesbians and gay men in contemporary American life has been unevenly applied, depending on which state one lives in, as well as the particular work environment. At various times, attacks against gay men and lesbians have taken their jobs, children, homes, and lives. For many youth, the pain inflicted by their peers because of being different, and of being ostracized, is so great that they attempt to kill themselves. Fortunately, groups such as PFLAG and Gay-Straight Alliances actively work to counteract this oppression. Prejudice damages everyone, not just gay people, because it creates a climate of fear. __ Oppression __ Oppression is the application of prejudice in the arenas of society, politics, economics, and physical power, acting to enforce prejudices. Oppression is often built into the culture, and expressed by social etiquette and law. For centuries, heterosexually-oriented, western culture has oppressed lesbians and gay men. This is achieved through laws designed specifically for homosexuals and not for heterosexuals — even though all are law-biding citizens, and are identical in all other ways — such as the laws regarding certain sexual activities. Until 1960, anti-“sodomy” laws in every state regulated how citizens could, and could not, engage in sex. By 2003, 37 states had repealed these laws, or state courts had blocked them. While each state defines “sodomy” differently, and both straight and gay people engage in sodomy, it was usually only applied to homosexuality. Even though sodomy laws were only occasionally invoked, they were often used as basis for other discriminatory laws and rulings, such as custody, specifically targeting same-sex relationships. It was not until June 26, 2003, that the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Texas sodomy law, which also removed state laws intruding on private adult sexual relations through the rest of the country. However, oppression is still in force regarding unequal application of law in such areas as child custody, immigration, the right to work, workplace benefits, housing, insurance, inheritance, social security benefits, military service, and the right to legally marry a loved one. Oppression has a profoundly negative force on the financial, social, and spiritual well-being of a minority group. As the individual household is impacted, so is the broader community because of reduced spending power, a climate of intolerance, and many other factors. __ Heterocentrism __ This term signifies the belief in the inherent superiority of heterosexual standards and culture, accompanied by a feeling of contempt for other forms of orientation or sexuality. Heterocentrism supports the widely held assumption that it is proper, and necessary, to be heterosexual in our society. This assumption often is accompanied by the thought that no one would engage in homosexual relationships unless they were emotionally sick or sinful. This bias against homosexuality is not justified by scientific data, and it results in lesbians and gay men being treated as less than fully human. Homosexuality has often been treated with the same loathing as other cultural taboos, which are so loaded with irrationality that scientific investigation and open-minded interpretation have been historically discouraged or overlooked. As a result, it has been very difficult to obtain grants for scientific studies involving orientation. __ Homophobia __ Homophobia has become the term used to describe a dislike, fear, or hatred of gay men and lesbians. Homophobia perpetuates fearing closeness or commitment with people of the same sex. This fear makes it risky for people of any sexual orientation to feel affection and care for someone of the same sex. By cutting off the possibility of close personal relationships with someone of the same sex, it puts unnecessary pressure on opposite-sex relationships. Ideally, a person should be able to get affection, companionship, support, and love, regardless of anyone’s sexual orientation. Lesbians and gay men, like blacks and women, are taught by a fearful culture to hate themselves and fear each other. Homophobia has also caused irrational job dismissals, evictions, estrangement from family and friends, loss of children, street harassment, spiritual and physical abuse, and even loss of life. Studies have shown that the most homophobic people often harbor the fear that they themselves may be gay or lesbian. Homophobia allowed the creation of laws against consensual adult sex, and one consequence is police harassment and entrapment of gay men. __ Entrapment __ Undercover agents have used entrapment techniques, such as inviting gestures, to arrest gay men who respond, saying that the men were looking for sex, whether or not this was true. Of the men who have been entrapped by these methods, many do not identify as gay. These arrests are victimless “crimes,” which often resulted in jail, probation, job loss, loss of family, and other hardships. Hatred or fear of lesbians and gay men is a precedent often used as a wedge to introduce, increase, and legalize many other forms of oppression. Because homophobia blocks love in us all, the struggle for gay liberation benefits everyone. __ Sexism __ Sexism is a prejudice based in assumed differences between those of different biological sex. Sexism keeps women in second-class status, denies them their rights to control their own bodies, and denies personal, mental, and physical safety. Sexism reinforces the false notion that any man who is gentle, flexible, compassionate, or gay becomes “feminine,” and thereby loses status and respect. To say, as sexism does, that a woman is not as good as a man is unjust and untrue. Sexism is the cornerstone of homophobia. The roles dictated by sexism require men to get emotional support from women, and not to get nurturing relationships with other men. These rigid roles strangle healthy personal development as well as curtail satisfying sexual exploration. Sex role rigidity denies women their right to be independent and bold, and denies men their right to be nurturing and gentle. __ Queer __ The term “queer” is not a term of endearment. The definition is “odd” “mildly insane,” and “deviate.” It is a slur. As a descriptive, it hurts, and devalues our worth as human beings. There is no way to de-fang or somehow excise the meaning out of the term. The use of pejoratives, such as “queer,” to describe gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and transsexual or transgender persons is unhealthy. If we don’t want hate-monger theocrats, such as Pat Robertson, to call us queer, sick, perverts, and the like, it makes no sense to allow our own community to do so.
Male and female homosexuality is widespread. It has been recorded in all parts of the world and throughout history. Different ages and different cultures have exhibited varying attitudes toward it; sometimes welcoming, sometimes ignoring, and sometimes killing. In the United States surveys made by the Kinsey Institute, and released in “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” in 1948, indicated that:
In 1981, the Kinsey Institute publishes a study revealing that neither parental nor societal influences have much effect on a person’s sexual orientation. In spite of these numbers, there is an astounding abundance of misinformation about lesbians and gay men.
Myths and stereotypes serve both to instruct the youth, and to keep everyone in line. Myths reinforce the cultural power structure, helping to keep oppressed people in place. Most myths and stereotypes, that is, most conventional information about gay men and lesbians, are false. Stereotypes about gay men are so contradictory that they would be laughable were it not for the terror they instill in gay as well as non-gay people, and the rigid behavior toward gay people they tend to produce. Two, common, contradictory myths about gay men are that they are:
These widely-spread falsehoods, along with laws selectively enforced — such as loss of child custody, loss of housing and jobs, and police entrapment procedures — helps make lesbians and gay men a most viciously and openly oppressed group. The lack of accurate information and the circulation of myths provide a backdrop for justifiable fear among gay people in our culture. Gay people often have to deal with other people’s miss-information whenever confronted by these myths: __ Not Normal or Natural __
“Internalized oppression” is self-hatred. Internalized oppression is a reaction to societal pressures and the fear of reprisals. It is marked by absorbing the prejudices of blood relatives, friends, and society. Just as blacks for many years tried to straighten their hair, seeking conformity to non-blackness for social and economic safety, gay men and lesbians have tried to stay hidden, remained silent about civil rights and oppressive jokes, and accepted the stereotypes. Internalized oppression is at its worst when we believe the myths that have branded us sexual and social outlaws. Self-hate grows from the pain of bearing social antagonisms and can result in various forms of self-invalidation such as:
With acknowledgement and elimination of internalized oppression, we can operate with full pride in our worth as humans. We can forge links with our natural allies (fellow gay men, lesbians, women, blacks, immigrants, and other minority groups), and we can find clear ways to communicate with other elements in the culture to express our needs.
When undertaking the task of liberation we can gain more friends by assuming that everybody is our ally and wants to stop the oppression of lesbians and gay men. Just as there have always been whites who have challenged racism, and men who have challenged sexism, there have always been non-gays who have challenged homophobia. Given the proper information and encouragement, everyone would work to end all oppression. Everyone can encourage open discussion, support gay men and lesbians who choose to come out (i.e., to be truthful and openly gay), and lobby for civil rights. Since young people constantly hear misconceptions about gay people, it is especially important that they be informed. The notion that young people should be “protected” from the influence of lesbians and gay men by keeping them ignorant betrays a lack of confidence in the good sense of the younger generation. It also prevents youth being able to make a free-will judgement, and denies them opportunity to explore their own sexual feelings. Open discussion is furthered by starting, joining or supporting a gay speaker’s bureau, gay consciousness-raising group, school straight-gay alliance, writing articles for the local newspaper, talking about gay issues on radio and TV, petitioning the neighborhood and local union for equal rights amendments, writing and performing poems, plays and music. If gay men and lesbians are encouraged to be open about his or her own sexuality, it gives support to other open gay people and to those who are not yet out. Openness makes it impossible to be threatened by disclosure. It destroys the mirage of invisibility. It can produce a great sense of personal relief. Openness dissolves the burden of fear generated by silence and hiding, and shows that gay men and lesbians are not alone. Still, in this day and age, some gay men and lesbians might lose jobs, or their children, by coming out. These people deserve our warm love and full support, just as much as those able to be out. Whatever our sexuality, we can all lobby for equal civil rights and sex law reforms by writing letters to our elected officials. If we cannot sign our name, tell them why.
The women’s movement has been a most important personal, political, and spiritual event toward social change. Women have provided the thinking and the action toward understanding that everyone is in control of her or his own body. They have provided the inspiration toward analyzing and dismantling crippling sex role stereotyping. Women have told men to stop rape, stop calling them girls and other offensive names, stop master/slave relationships, support lesbian rights to raise their children, and to give them equal job opportunities. Women ask men to listen. Many women have much anger from years of oppression. Much of this anger will be directed toward men until sexism is eradicated. Since men now have information on the unwanted, socially enforced role as oppressors of women, men can now move to change and stop colluding with the oppression. As long as women are not equal — because of sex-role stereotyping — gay men and lesbians will not be equal. Since the apparatus supporting the oppression is the same, it is in our best interests to support each other’s struggle.
When differences of sex, sexual orientation, race, and class are viewed as adding to the wealth of our humanity, we become a united people. Gay men, lesbians and non-gays all benefit from destroying invisibility, ignorance and misinformation on gay issues, and sexism. Working toward integrating different ages, races, physical differences and abilities, class backgrounds, and religions enlarges our knowledge about our human commonality. We can become more effective and loving in our everyday lives by understanding the roots of oppressions from our political system as well as peer and internalized sources. Our present economic system has traditionally used a division of labor based on sex and race to keep wages low and workers in line. Historically, racism and gay baiting have been useful toward keeping workers divided. Heterocentrism views the opposite-sex (presumably heterosexual) “nuclear” family as the only form of family. It is heartening to find large numbers of people who are seeing the gay liberation struggle not just in terms of the right to hold hands, but as part of civil rights and freedom for all. Personal, sexual actions are political actions because affection and sex are, ultimately, not just private but social interactions.
The sex role behavior patterns that are usually expected by an overly rigid society never function well for individuals. We can assume the responsibility of refusing to pass on the oppression that these roles perpetuate. We can choose to be a living model of non-sexist behavior. Our physical health is also our own responsibility. Medical workers are sometimes too embarrassed, or uninformed, to take appropriate action regarding sexually transmitted illnesses. We must overcome fear of disclosure and tell them what we need. Efforts toward positive change take place both inside and outside. An environment that is safe encourages our internal spiritual progress. We make it safe by creating humanistic social change that includes not only toleration, but also encouragement for diversity, and by being honest with ourselves and those we encounter.
As we learn about ourselves, and demand full participation in our society, we learn how to grow toward personal liberation that is self-loving and spiritual.
All contents © 2018, Demian This article may not be placed on any Web sites or reprinted by electronic or any other means without permission. Demian has a doctorate in education and is director of Partners Task Force for Gay & Lesbian Couples 206-935-1206 - demian@buddybuddy.com Seattle, WA buddybuddy.com
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